Fussbucket

by Stacey
No one’s kid is perfect. Most of us struggle at some point in the day with our kids’ behavior, at times skillfully getting them to do what we want and other times using threats and bludgeons (okay not really). But some parents struggle more than others. This article in the Washington Post looks at the issue of raising so-called difficult children, otherwise known as challenging, hard to handle, defiant, volatile, or willful.

The question is, how should parents handle behavior that makes getting through the day a living hell? “Every part of everyday life became a huge task that affected our whole family,” said one Washington father, who asked not to be identified to protect the privacy of his son, now 11, whom he described as difficult from birth. “It was relentless.”

The confusion and angst surrounding how to cope with a child who routinely throws prolonged tantrums long after the “terrible twos,” chronically forgets to turn in homework or otherwise refuses to get with the program are shared by parents whose children wouldn’t be defined as difficult. (”Difficult” can be an elastic term that reflects the fit between a parent’s and a child’s temperaments.)

The article discusses two new books by veteran psychologists that offer advice to parents. “Effective Parenting for the Hard-to-Manage Child” by DC psychologists Georgia DeGangi and Anne Kendall (2008, Routledge, $24.95) is written in a workbook format and aimed at parents of children 12 and younger who have a variety of emotional problems, the article says. The other, written by Yale psychology professor Alan Kazdin and co-author Carlo Rotella is called “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child With No Pills, No Therapy and No Contest of Wills” (2008, Houghton Mifflin, $26 ). Kazdin is director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic.

“Most popular parenting books violate the tenets of what we know is effective,” Kazdin said. Many, he observed, advocate that parents “understand your child, talk to your child so he won’t be angry. It’s wonderful to talk to your child, but talking won’t change his behavior for a minute,” added Kazdin, president of the American Psychological Association.

“Difficult children have always been around,” said Michelle Macias, a professor of pediatrics at the Medical University of South Carolina who chairs the American Academy of Pediatrics section on developmental and behavioral pediatrics. These days, she noted, “the variability of child development and behavior is better understood.”

“I see very well-meaning parents who negatively reinforce behaviors they don’t want,” she said, either by reacting harshly or inconsistently to misbehavior or by endlessly trying to reason with a child. “It’s very common for a parent to attend immediately to a child in a tantrum,” which reinforces the behavior. Instead, she advises them to make sure a child is safe and then ignore it or walk away. “I tell parents all the time, ‘Act, don’t yak.’ ”

Kazdin suggests parents work on developing new behavior patterns with their child. For example, for a 5-year-old who has explosive 30-minute tantrums during which he trashes a room, Kazdin suggests playing a game during a calm time. The child practices getting upset, but doesn’t throw things or hit. The child earns stars on a chart for rewards. Practice sessions and positive reinforcement repeated over several weeks, Kazdin says, become the foundation for behavioral change.

“You remind the child it’s pretend and then do it. If a child complies, you say, ‘I can’t believe it, you just stood there when I said no and didn’t throw things.’ Then you say, ‘I bet you can’t do it again.’ And when the child does, you praise and give another star. If the child fails, you say calmly, ‘Okay, no star this time because you threw things. We’ll try again later.’ “

The other piece of advice Kazdin offers is to praise effectively by being specific, enthusiastic, and immediate rather than the generic “Good job!” or the slightly edgy, “Why can’t you do it like this every time?”

Kendall and DeGangi recommend a similar strategy. “One of the things we emphasize in the book is structure,” she said. “Some parents are more gifted at this than others.” She said she often sees disorganized parents complaining that their child never remembers to turn in his homework.

That sounds just a little bit like blaming the parents. On the one hand, I know we are their role models, but for kids who are truly oppositional and defiant, I’m inclined to give the parents the benefit of the doubt.

So what do you all think? Do you have a difficult child? Do you think these techniques would help turn difficult behavior around?